Here I Cum

AlphaSiren-2No meaningful long-term relationship begins without a proper introduction, followed by a little ‘getting to know you’ stage. That impromptu sexual tryst in the john of the Chevron station in Saskatoon?  A result of eye-fucking that Ford F350-drivin’, cowboy-boot-and-tight-Wrangler-jeans-wearin’ hottie during your cross-country road-trip?  Well…that’s a different story.  I’m sure formal introductions weren’t at the top of the priority list in that moment…

But, here we are, you and I, about to embark on and engage in a relationship; one I sincerely hope is to be long lasting and one that definitely promises to be intimate. So, best I introduce myself. If you’ve read my bio, you have an idea of what I’m about and perhaps what to expect from the pieces I will be contributing (if you haven’t yet read it – what the heck you waiting for?!).  Now while my little write-up nicely encapsulates my vibe/voice in a succinct little summary, I felt I should perhaps flesh things out a bit more by writing my inaugural piece for E.V. as an intro to AlphaSiren. But how would it go?  What would I say? I couldn’t just delve in, proverbial ‘balls out’, with something like “So I was Domming this sexy girl in a threesome I had on the weekend…” or “Last night, this guy peed on me and totally caught me off guard – where do y’all stand on water sports, folks?”

Because let me assure you, dear readers, shit’s gonna get real with me – so think of this initial introductory article as a figurative vaginal dilator, easing us into this relationship…or rather, easing you slowly into me <ahem>.  And so when, serendipitously, a couple of scenarios presented themselves recently, I knew exactly how my first article for S.P. would go.

After meeting with Debbie, the editor, for a casual chat/interview and establishing quickly that we were both down to make this collab legit, she asked me for a profile write-up and photo for the website. Right away I knew not only what I was going to say in my bio, but immediately came up with a concept for the photo and so I contacted a friend of mine to shoot it. A few days later we took to a rooftop in Gastown, me holding a megaphone and wearing a pair of red undies and red star pasties – the concept being AlphaSiren preaching the gospel of SEX to the lovely citizens of Vancouver. After the initial shots for the S.P. mag profile, I doffed the pasties and we shot the rest topless. Why? Well – why not?

A couple days later, a Facebook ‘friend’ I’d yet to meet in person posted an open call to replace a model who’d cancelled last minute for a photography class he was teaching. I replied, got the gig and so the next morning, we hugged it out, I met his class, and posed for the next three hours. He had asked if I’d be into him shooting me privately when the class was over and I said yes without hesitation.  After everyone left, he curtained off the area, asked me to disrobe, and we set to doing a short semi-nude/nude shoot during which time we spoke about our mutual involvement in the fetish/kink community and our alternative relationship lifestyles and found ourselves discussing potential exploration of aforementioned alternative lifestyles. Hot. Exciting. Pending adventures. Rad.

After this impromptu(ish) nude photo shoot, I walked to the nearby Whole Foods for a snack and immediately spied one of my nearest and dearest friends, standing in front of the maple syrups in the baking goods aisle. I hugged her from behind, and after telling her about my amazing morning with the photography class and subsequent photo shoot, I could see she was dying to say something so asked how she was doing and she burst out:

“Oh my god, I had the BEST anal sex last night!! I almost texted you first thing this morning!”

Me: “But I thought he wasn’t overly jazzed about anal!?  I thought you guys did it like, once a year on your birthday – what was different this time?”

Butt-sex loving friend: “Two words: female condom! They’re AMAZING!  Way better than regular condoms, which he always found really uncomfortable. I just put it in beforehand and I was good to go!  And the best thing is – you can ‘double-dip’ this way without any cross-contamination!  My friend, Big Gay Matt, told me about them when I was down in the States. He says the gay boys swear by them! And he’s right. I really think my man and me have turned a corner with anal sex now! I’m so excited and I just knew you’d be the person I could share this with!  Ohhh, but one word of caution if you try them – do NOT remove it in front of the other person. …Trust me.”

Me: “Okay, noted. Also – ewww.”

So there we were, in front of the maple syrups at Whole Foods, excitedly dishing on anal sex, female condoms and the triumph of being able to double-dip, as mothers with toddlers in their carts and older Asian men strolled past searching for fair trade baking soda and organic prunes. It was entertaining, hilarious and in terms of my life, pretty de rigeur.

The point I hope these anecdotes have underscored is this: I’m incredibly open, experimental, liberal and sex-positive, and I love talking about sex and sexuality. And I never take myself (or sex) too seriously. I also happen to be someone people feel comfortable coming to and talking to about sex – likely because I am so open, but also because they know I don’t judge. Not EVER. My hope with this column is to foster and encourage dialogue about sex and sexuality, thus inspiring and empowering people to be more open and less inhibited about their own experience.  Like George Michael said, “Sex is natural, sex is fun.” Indeed. So let’s talk about it, Vancouver!


Originally featured on Sept 18 2013

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