Fucking. Boning. Banging. Screwing. Fornicating. There are many words for the act, and I seem to constantly have it on the brain. I eye-fuck hotties on the regular, picturing them naked. With me. Getting our freak on. These thoughts happen at the most inopportune times, like say, at the gym. While on the StairMaster. So sue me, I’m only human. And this city is teeming with beautiful humans.
But check it: Sex is distracting. Whether it’s a ‘stand-alone’ event, (insert friends with benefits here – literally), or it’s part of the more elaborate human mating ritual called dating, it is time consuming, energy sapping and, often, less than fruitful. It’s a distraction that leads to nothing but frustration (both sexual and otherwise), and ends up drawing your attention away from everything else. And right now, I’ve got the attention span of a gnat and an energy level that’s getting its pre-winter hibernation on. Not a great combo.
So…Celibacy: defined as the state of being unmarried and sexually abstinent. I have decided to embrace this path for a while – (oh gods) – which means no sex and no dating. No evening drinks, weekend brunches or ‘getting to know you’ walks along the seawall, and no tapping into the Little Black Book – to tap any ass for a good itch scratching. I’m simply willing myself not to itch, which is bloody hard because the itch in and of itself is distracting. Not to mention, I’m a sex columnist; this is my material, right?! Well don’t you worry, dear readers, AlphaSiren has lots of sexcapades under her studded leather belt from which to draw. So right now, instead of being Fuck-Focused, I am immersing myself in work, (after an admitted slow start to autumn thanks to writer’s block and ADHD, peppered with a handsome dollop of lethargy). I need to get my (creative) groove back, yo.
Celibacy, outside of religious motivation, really isn’t as rare as you might think. A number of people are finding themselves on the C-Train because, like me, they’re unfulfilled and sapped of energy by the whole dating racket, which in turn, is taking focus away from personal and professional goals. Many celibates find that they are more productive, while others still, find they are able to forge deeper connections with others and with themselves. Celibacy can open up a huge amount of mental and emotional space that the agonizing and analyzing of one’s sex life quite often takes up; focus can now be shifted away from one’s libidinous motivations to more creative endeavors, to self-esteem building activities and to personal growth.
A well-known artist friend of mine has foregone regular mattress mambo sessions to investigate his creative process; he’s exploring the sexual relationship he has with his art without the influence of sex. Right now his focus is on performance art, and how sex and sexuality play a role in its production. He will still be making the type of art he’s known for – which is very sexual in nature (can you say fucking a previously frozen octopus, folks?) – and he’ll still be taking his clothes off for screaming, squealing women. He just won’t be taking anyone to Bonetown anytime soon.
Yet another friend of mine recently shared that she too is celibate, and the very interesting part of her story is that she has been with her partner for over a year and a half and they still haven’t had sex. WHAAAT? (right?) They consider themselves highly sexual, and are most certainly interested in, and are attracted to, one another in a sexual way (“The desire to have sex is constant…”). And while neither had ever considered going so long without sharing that piece of themselves, they found an interest in, and connection with, one another that is deeper than either had ever before experienced – which they wanted to explore as fully as they could. So while they desire sex, a deeper knowing and appreciation fulfill that urge. I think this is amazing and beautiful and utterly fascinating, though I’m pretty sure I couldn’t abstain from sex for that long.
I’ll admit, being a hyper sexual person, I’m a bit daunted by this experiment – as the more you try not to think about something, the more it typically infiltrates your thoughts. But I really want to get focused, center myself and tap back into a deeper creativity. So I’m committed to this celibacy thang for the foreseeable future. Unless of course, hot beardy trainer guy at my gym gives me indication that all systems are go. Then, fuck this shit. All bets are off.