Autumn is the time when we rediscover our sweater collection, eat too many carbs, bang by the fireplace to a soundtrack of sexy slow-jams and set our clocks back. It’s also the time when we pay attention to various health issues affecting both gals and guys. Last month, the focus was on Breast Cancer Awareness and this month, the month formerly known as November, we turn our attention and support to men’s junk.
Now, I don’t mean for that to sound at all glib or disrespectful. Believe me, this girl is a big fan of men and their junk. Well, okay, not so much the balls – those wrinkly low-hangers aren’t the most appealing…they’re like a pair of eyeballs encased in a chicken skin. That said, don’t hate – I always pay due attention, as I know you fellas get a real charge out of having your slappers lovingly wo/manhandled. But where was I? Oh yes, men’s manhood. Big, big fan. We’re now nearly half-way through the month-long moustache growing extravaganza called “Movember”, and as a retired cancer research scientist – (yup, you read that right. I know what you’re thinking: “All this AND brains too??” Yes!) – and as someone who has been impacted too often by the Big C, it’s a cause close to my heart. Thus, it made sense to write a piece in support of my homies and their man-tackle.
First, an uber brief history: 1999 – a bunch of Aussie guys came up with the idea for Movember while sitting in a pub, tossing back pints; five years later, the Movember Foundation charity as we know it was launched, encouraging bros all over the world to get more involved in their own health, bringing attention to the importance of early detection, diagnosis and effective treatments of prostate and other male cancers. This is not to be taken lightly: 1 in 7 men will develop prostate cancer in their lifetime and 1 in 28 will die from it. To date, the Movember Foundation has raised $174-million worldwide and as of 2011, Canadians were the largest contributors to the Movember charities of any nation.
Movember has become so widespread in the years since its inception, that it’s rare in November to see an XY who isn’t embracing the cause by sporting a Mo. Whether we’re talking The Handlebar, The Tom Selleck, The Dali, The Trucker, The Fu Manchu, Zappa or Hitler (though you’re walking a fine line if you opt for this last one, guys), or the full-on dirty Porno ‘stache, dudes of all ages are getting involved, which is fanfuckingtastic.
Fanfuckingtastic, unless of course, you’re only going half-way (growing out the soup strainer but not fundraising for the cause), and are doing it mostly because very few chicks these days seem to be able to resist the charms of a man with an upper lip sweater. Which brings me to a relatively new word in the modern lexicon: Slacktivism – a term describing “feel-good” measures, in support of an issue or social cause, that have little or no practical effect other than to make the person doing it take satisfaction from the feeling that they have contributed (Wikipedia). Which means that growing a manstache and saying it’s “in support of Movember” without actually either being part of a fundraising team, or donating to a team, is pretty weak and all too prevalent. As much as your fellow man’s Meat Popsicle:Spunk Bunkers combo thanks you for growing a moustache, the kind of support that’s truly needed goes beyond looking skeevy for a month, and using the cachet of Movember to nail willing mouth-brow lovin’ ladies. Just sayin’.
As for myself, in honor of Movember, I’m showing my support by embracing “Muffvember”. Doesn’t take a genius to deduce what I’m playin’ at here. As I’m (thankfully) unable to grow a mustache, and don’t find the fake ones sold in stores to be all that practical for a girl’s daily encounters, (and because I’m in the middle of this whole celibacy experiment), I decided to give the hedge trimmers a break. I’m not going full-frontal for anyone anytime soon, so don’t feel I run the risk of scarring any men for life during this time of no sex, so why not let the panty sprouts roam wild and free? At the end of the month, I’ll be doing some Movember-inspired ladyscaping, after which I’ll tweet a photo – lucky you! It’s bound to excite, titillate, maybe inspire, and most probably even put a few people off, all in the name of supporting men’s health! I will also be making a donation to Movember, but have yet to decide upon the team who’ll be receiving my cash, so if you’d like to campaign for your team, tweet at me!
Bottom line, boys – don’t just sport the ‘stache without fully supporting the cause. Do it for realz, and make it count by putting your money where your ‘Mo is. Help raise funds, or donate funds! The health of beloved schlongs worldwide is counting on it. For more information and to donate, hit up the official Movember site. And be sure to follow me on twitter, so come November 30th, you can marvel at my Muffstache!